WHEREAS, the 86th Annual Meeting of the American Society of Mammalogists was held at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, Amherst, Massachusetts, 18-21 June 2006; and
WHEREAS, the Resolutions Committee recommends the acceptance of the following motion; and
WHEREAS, at the Saturday night mixer, the Society was charged excessive rates for water and wine but the beer was free resulting in a new record for consumption of beer on campus but was below usual levels consumed at ASM meetings; and
WHEREAS, Past President Hugh Genoways continues to demand that the Society publish the 1600 pages authorized by the Board; in an effort to fill this need the Resolutions Committee will provide a J. A. Allen Memorial Monograph sized Host Resolution for which we will gladly except $100 per page for beer money and we guarantee it won't be a money maker; and
WHEREAS, the Society has a hypothesis on why there is a world-wide shortage of concrete and our scientific experiments document that concrete walls are exceptionally efficient at conducting sound; and
WHEREAS, the Society was aesthetically stimulated by the concrete colored mini-cafeteria trays constructed with recycled egg cartons and designed in a concrete motif; and
WHEREAS, paraphyly and rapid speciation associated with a niche shift was observed in the locally abundant and newly recognized "cryptic concrete colored" ground squirrel, Geosciurus concretensis; and
WHEREAS, Bob Timm demonstrated his ability to develop a budget using Excel but still can't grasp that Excel will add the numbers for you; and
WHEREAS, in an effort to increase graduate student involvement, the trustees have profited from a portfolio that includes iPod stock; and
WHEREAS, the Society suspects that the trustees might have had a role in the $75 fee for late PowerPoint submissions; and
WHEREAS, that no-tax-but-spend-plenty liberal (aka neorepublican) Hugh Genoways finally led an assault on the bloated Reserve Fund and Bob Timm's budget; and
WHEREAS, after the Board spent $149,000 from the Reserve Fund, the Society noted an inordinate interest by trustee members in participating in the Host Resolution; and
WHEREAS, signs directing Mammalogists here and there were placed strategically to hide the fact that half the campus is for sale or rent; and
WHEREAS, there was a sign on the wall at the registration desk identifying ASM as the Science Fiction Society; and
WHEREAS, the Society has never seen such a diverse array of signs; Jehovah Witness signs for the religiously minded and for sale signs for the trustees, all directing us towards conference registration; and
WHEREAS, when we finally found the dorms, they were for sale or rent; and
WHEREAS, we appreciate the local committee providing highly effective, early morning, gentle wake-up calls using jackhammers, chainsaws, and backup beeping; and
WHEREAS, Society members who stayed in the University of Massachusetts dorms took showers without soap; let it be resolved that the University Trustees would do well to instruct their bottled water company to add soap to their product line; and
WHEREAS, the difficulties experienced by a pregnant Neotoma squeezing into a Sherman trap and then trying to close the door was vividly demonstrated to mammalogists using the restroom stalls in the Leach Residence Hall; and
WHEREAS, the only things thinner than the dormitory toilet paper were the sheets; and
WHEREAS, even the rain shower at the picnic was interrupted when someone at the UMass dorms flushed a toilet; and
WHEREAS, we look forward to going to New Mexico next year to escape the heat; and
WHEREAS, Journal Editors created a new game of musical chairs; the game usually results in the reduction of chairs and players; however, in the Journal Editor's version of the game, the number of chairs and players increases with each turn; and
WHEREAS, the pattern of session attendance followed Murphy's Law in that those sessions with the largest attendance were in the smallest rooms; and
WHEREAS, after debating a resolution concerning the overexploitation of Earth's limited resources we retired to a lunch served entirely on disposable materials; and
WHEREAS, in an effort to retain the office of President for two more years, President Cameron kept calling election results ties; and
WHEREAS, the organizing committee created a new mammal for its logo, Przewalski's moose or a hoose (Equis alces); and
WHEREAS, given the number of pregnant women at the meeting, we recommend the Board developa new category of joint membership to be funded by the Future Mammalogists Fund; and
WHEREAS, Sergio Solari, leader of a strong and growing Latin American contingent, concluded that you cannot judge a short-tailed possum by its cover; and
WHEREAS, Jake Goheen taught us that homed herbivores controlled thorned acacias; and
WHEREAS, we always suspected that Winston Smith was squirrelly but now are sure; and
WHEREAS, Tom O'Shea and Dan Odell gave us a whale of a symposium that wasn't a fluke; and
WHEREAS, Kay Holekamp nominated a female hyena for the Grinnell Award; and
WHEREAS, Mark Hafner showed us how the Hafner Brothers entered mammalogy and how good teaching is even more contagious than hanta virus; and
WHEREAS, the Society is looking forward to Jim Brown being enthusiastically right and wrong again; and
WHEREAS, the society recognized the contributions of Betty Homer on her 90th birthday by electing female vice president, president-elect, Merriam Award winner, recording secretary, and three board members-we have come a long way Betty, thank you; and
WHEREAS, mammalogists enjoyed the clams, lobster, corn, burgers, and free beer at the picnic, Monkey Bar, Amherst College Museum with Irish elk, Smilodon, magnificent mineral collection and fond memories of David Klingener, precise and efficient sessions, adjacent venues, perpetual brownies, and hoose travel mug;
THEREFORE, Be It Resolved that the American Society of Mammalogists expresses heartfelt thanks to Betsy Dumont and Ginny Hayssen and the entire Local Committee at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and Smith College for a wonderful, stimulating, productive, and memorable meeting.